Picking A Band and Section to Play Mas

31 10 2007

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[odeo=http://odeo.com/audio/17232863/view]

If you are like me and monitor the Carnival message boards you see all these females in a frenzy trying to decide who they going to jump with.   There are 3 types of female masqueraders and 2 types of male masqueraders.   On the female side there are the Carnival Whore, Flip-flop Wajang and Confused Virgin.   As far as the fellas are concerned, there are 2 categories.   Bamsee Hauler and Rum Chaser.  

D Carnival Whore started off playing Kiddies Carnival and hasn’t stopped yet.    She mudder, grandmudder and greatgrand-mudder passed the standard to her.   She is faithful to one band and will planasse yuh if yuh dare badtalk she band.  She have playing mas down to a science and you can learn a lot from this woman.  There is also a very high probability that this masquerader will fall into the “2 band hoe” category discussed earlier. Nothing will stop this particular woman from making mas year after year. 9 months pregnant? no scene, House burn down and all belongings lost? no problem.. Husband threaten to leave if she go one more carnival???  Fukk him… A real Carnival Whore is relentless and tenacious.  I would rather hand feed a rabid pit bull than get in the way of this womans mas.

  

The Flip-flop Wajang usually bounces between 3 bands from band launch till jump up day, she has no strong affiliations and will horn yuh d same way in real life.   She going where the costumes are on “fyah”.  She will also bounce from section to section until time escapes her.  This woman is pretty easy to spot.  She will buy a costume with the first band that launch because that’s where all her friends are going.  Next band launch, she immediately falls in love with the overall presentation and das where she wants to be.  At which time, she will reserve a costume and declare herself 2band hoe.  No scene, I will play wit band A on Monday and Band B on Tuesday. 8 more band launches later, a friend offer a free costume in their band.  Now, the real confusion begins.   Friends?  Fantabulous Presentation?   Finance……what to do…. what to do?

  

The Confused Virgin never play mas yet.   She looking for advice on which band to play wit, what she should wear Carnival Monday, boots or sneakers, type of make-up, thongs or panty…..the list is endless..   D Virgin can be easily chained up to play wit any band because she eh kno better.   After she first experience playing a mas, d virgin will swear there is no better than that band.    She will probably get hooked and eventually become a whore to that band.  Classic case where she will then be used, abused and refused by that band year after year.

In the male category of Bamsee Hauler, it is self explanatory.   This fella is only concerned with playing in a band where there is an abundance of big bamsee which will overwhelm him to the point of ecstasy.   He is a bamsee assault specialist and Carnival Monday and Tuesday in d right band is like his first Christmas day all over again.  He has no affiliations or loyalty unless a particular band has a reputation of providing big bamsees. They will spend countless hours on the computer, perusing galleries evaluating the quality of bamcee in ah particular band. This can be misleading b/c experience has proven that Band photographers tend to miss 95% of the band and primarily take pictures of the hot women. Not that anyone complains but ah fella will join the rumchaser to distort their vision at which time, 95% of the women will appeal to their desires..  

The Rum Chaser like to wine on woman, but his priority is focused on the ever elusive task of busing d bar by he self.    He is a professional drinker and takes his job seriously.   Drinking is a science to him also and have a few golden rules that he always follows when picking a band.   Actually is juss 1 rule, check d website to see who d alcohol sponsors are.  It must be noted that this fella will not be found laying on d ground like a common rummy, he will start and finish d race at d same pace each and every year.

Bartenders should be weary of this fella. He is looking to steal full bottles of Johnny Walker from off deh truck.  One way to notice if this fella is successful in his petty larceny, he will mek requests that are non alcoholic in nature.  Cups of ice, coconut water, red bull…etc.  Follow this man because he has a bottle someplace and it beats fighting wit the other masqueraders fuh your refill.





Wining Kriminals Released

25 10 2007

 

 

[odeo=http://odeo.com/audio/17195403/view]

 

 

Wining Kriminals Released

Better late than never.  We are a skylarking crew of Carnival lovers who decided to bless the world with our views of Carnival and also our visions on how Carnival should be.  In Carnival there is the good, the bad and the ugly, and our goals are to explore these different but necessary components which make Carnival the “Greatest Show on Earth”. 

Currently the Wining Kriminals comprises of four very articulate and well rounded individuals.  Canboulay, Midnight Robber, Sweet Ting and Loud4Spite.  We have no affiliations and are loyal to one.  We are here to say what feel as we see it.  If anyone is offended by our Blog, we are not sorry.  Feel free to express yourselves as we do on here, but don’t dish out what you cannot take back in return.   We are all lifelong learners with open minds, hopefully our readers will learn from us, as we will learn from them.

 

Introduction

 

 

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Canboulay aka Cannes Brulles, which means “burning cane”.  This commemorated the putting-out of cane fires during slavery. After slavery it became one of the important and deep-rooted festivals of the black people and was marked by ribald dancing and the lighted flambeaus carried in the street.
The police always opposed this with vigor, claiming that the lighted flambeaus could burn down the town.

The people, who always regarded the police as oppressors, resisted and resisted bitterly .During the period that Canboulay was observed on August 1, the anniversary of the Abolition of Slavery, it was easy to suppress the cult, but when this was crushed and the people started Carnival time, it became almost impossible to quell it, because the masses claimed the right to celebrate Carnival as they thought fit.

My character, Canboulay is here to start the burning of the flambeaus again, and to resist certain aspects of this Capitalistic celebration which Carnival has evolved into.  I will bring the fire and will not be suppressed by the masses of brainwashed jumbies.  It is imperative that we stand for something or fall for everything.

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Sweet Ting is the “lady” of our crew and her name describes the essence of her being.  She is sweet like a ripe Julie Mango.  At the same time if yuh cross Sweet Ting d wrong way she go bite yuh up like a bunch ah Jep who nest yuh decide to shake wit a broomstick.  The lady of our crew is like the cool little sister yuh never had, but always wanted.  The assets that Sweet Ting brings are invaluable to the Wining Kriminals viewers.  Imagine a woman dat both sexes can understand, by giving a unique and rare insight on the male and female psyche.

  Her experiences and knowledge are that of a well seasoned masquerader and feter.  Her opinions are well balanced and unbiased.  She is not a bachannalist but does not shy away from confrontation.  Her objectivity if looked at with an open mind by readers of this Blog.

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Midnight Robber is traditionally described as a one thousand-year old fearsome braggart.
The Midnight Robber is the bad-guy hero of any adventure. He wears an imposing wide brimmed hat and a long cape, both decorated with morbid images that are often testimonies of those he have plundered and murdered. He threatens to put you on his list if you cannot prove that you are more notorious than he is. He is the personification of anything, animate, inanimate or abstract, that carries uncontrollably destructive qualities. In this way, political and social commentary is easy to include in a Robber speech. 

The tyranny of The Robber is based on revenge he is seeking for his African ancestors who were forced to become slaves, “My great-grandfather’s treasures were stolen, his life was taken and it was then that I became a Midnight Robber.”  The style of the Robber is to approach people on the street and scare them almost to death with one of his bloodstained speeches, the result being – the pedestrian gives him money to spare his life.  Within the speeches are very long gory words, some of which are made up, but nevertheless, create the desired gory effect.

The Wining Kriminals Midnight Robber is just as deadly as the traditional character, but his virility lies within his lyrics.  His articulations and suave personality is one which he utilizes to “tief a wine” not money.  His persuasive methods are well tested and many can attest to falling victim to this bandit.  Readers of the Midnight Robber’s entries will always get a very candid image of his topics of discussion.   Readers should not fear reprisals for responding, but be prepared give a strong account of your answers.

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Loud4Spite Bio Coming Soon.





D “Carnival Bazodeeness” Epidemic

21 10 2007

[odeo=http://odeo.com/audio/17152833/view] 

Carnival Bazodeeness is the phenomenon where females lose all rational sense of self and enter into a full throttle tailspin of hysteria where they eat, breath and sleep carnival.  This chronic condition affects the mind and distorts any inkling of rational thought these women may have had before the first band launch. So just how do you identify a woman afflicted with the Bazodeeness you ask?  Here are some of the behavioral characteristics.

When it comes to mas, its all about being a side, front, back and middle line hoe.  They even have this ting called “2 band hoe”.   Now a “2 band hoe” from what I understand is a female who will register with 1 band, play with that band on Carnival Monday. She will then sell her costume to another “2 band hoe” in another band and then buy a costume from another “2 band hoe” in yet another band and play with that same band on Tuesday.  If yuh ask me dese hoes are just confused.  Ah even read 1 time about “2 band hoes” recycling dey draws.

All sense of financial responsibility is suspended.  Carnival loan? Of course…its only debt.  Rent? It can wait.  I must use that $750 for the only costume I like in the only band I must be in because I must be fantabulous on Monday “gold will go nice with my complexion”. But I think Ill sell it fun ah next band on Tuesday. “purple will go great with my complexion”.

A woman under the Bazodee will register for band when they not even sure they going to carnival.  They will pay for costume before they buy a plane ticket, before they finalize accommodations, and before they even secure vacation days.  When they DO know they are going and nothing will stop them, they will watch the cheap $400 fares go by and wait till 2 months before mas to buy a $900 ticket. 

Funny Story.  So ah watching a movie called The Black Orpheus   which was done in 1959 and was centered arrung d madness of Carnival in Rio de Janeiro.  Well one of d characters name was Serafina, and to imagine all d way in Brazil dey kno bout dis Bazodeeness.  Well to make a long story short, d woman was so Bazodee over Carnival dat she spend all she money on a costume and only ha onions in d house to eat. 

Unhealthy dietary practices to fit into their costumes are a norm.  Beyonce’s lemon juice, syrup and cayenne pepper diet for 10 straight days?? Atkins? South Beach? Starvation? Then do 5 hours in the gym, 7 days a week, with 3 different personal trainers?  Mind you….this usually starts about 2 weeks before they have to play mas but “I can lose 25 lbs in a week, I’ve done it before!” responses to this behavior is common.

Pregnancy? No excuse to miss carnival when they afflicted with the Bazodee.  I’ll just sit on the truck and come out to cross de stage.
 
Pending Eviction? I was moving anyway..
 
Snowstorm the day of your flight resulting in cancellation?  No scene…..They’ll pay another $500 for a one way ticket with layovers in Bangladesh, Surinam and the Margarita Islands before they catch a ferry to their final destination.  As long as they get there before Jouvert, it doesn’t matter.
 
Death won’t stop these women from playing mas.  Their last dying wishes will be for friends and family members to carry their coffins across deh stage fuh 1 more whine.
 
Fear the Bazoodee…  It’s easier to rehab from a crack habit than to cure the Bazoodee
 
 





Assume Yuh Position

19 10 2007

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Fellas, Fellas, Fellas,

I know plenty of allyuh feel as though yuh have it all under control and yuh woman does laughingly allow yuh to continue that thought pattern. Luckily fuh allyuh I am here to set yuh straight. My name is Sweet Ting and I am going to let allyuh in on a few little secrets. I know plenty of allyuh does run around here “Stupid is as Stupid Does” so I am blessing you all with my presence to put yuh mind in order. Doh dig no horrors cuz I does give it to allyuh straight. Plain talk bad manners!

We are going to begin today’s discussion with playing your carnival position. Ah does see plenty of allyuh carnival time walking around like yuh being lead by an invisible leash. Some of my fellow women have mastered the art of leading you and making you feel as though yuh leading yuhself. Doh get tie up…ah does promote dat too eh…but right now I am here fuh allyuh.

I know you sitting there scratching yuh balls and saying yeah what dis woman talkin about? Eh no woman leading me! I am de man! Well, eh heh…let we look at the top five classic symptoms of de invisible leash. There are many more but fuh now as allyuh are just beginners ah doh want to put yuh into total shock. Just leh we take a look:

  1. You doh even know what section yuh playin in…yuh woman done organize everything fuh you so you doh have that headache. She sweet eh?
  2. Every fete you think sounds interesting you must run by yuh woman to make sure allyuh free dat night. This is because she is so thoughtful she does arrange allyuh full fete itinerary and tickets in advance so you doh have to trouble yuhself wit dat.
  3. All yuh partnas get together and planning to play in a particular band or section fuh Monday and Tuesday. They call you to see if you want to register wit dem. You say nah man my woman done handle my stories, me and she playing in de same section.
  4. Carnival time…everybody on de road having a time and liking deyself…man wining on woman and woman wining on man. Liquor flowing and everything nice. You carrying yuh woman carry all bag and waiting fuh when she decide to wine because she don’t want she make up running before she reach de stage.
  5. Ash Wednesday reach and de boys looking to go lime by de beach and cool out. Dey call and ask yuh where yuh reach. You say yuh cooling out home relaxing wit a beer and watching TV. Yuh woman tired and she feet bunning from she heels yesterday so no beach today.

Well yes! If you can recognize at least 2 scenarios on this list it is possible you are being lead by an invisible leash. Don’t be alarmed! We can slowly remove this leash painlessly and effortlessly. But it will take some time and dedication. Don’t allyuh go running through de house like ah set ah schoopidees demanding fuh de leash removal nah. Yuh woman will not admit to it. In fact she will cuss yuh and you may end up calling Tyrone, yes. Allyuh just stay calm. The first step is admittance. Allyuh stay tuned and I will keep in touch. Follow my lead and allyuh go see carnival in a whole new light. For now I need to go cook meh man some food and let him think his invisible leash still on me. But dat is a next story. Later allyuh.

This is Sweet Ting signing off!





“Ladies, Stop Faggotizing these Men!!”

16 10 2007

  Yes, thats right..we made up a word!!!

Faggotize (fah gaw ty ize) Transitive Verb -tized’, tiz’ing. From the British Slang Root Faggot. 1. The process in which a woman influences their male counterparts to believing that female grooming and accessorizing will also help their sex appeal. 2. Also known as a “bulla” in West Indies. Unfortunately, Bullatize didn’t sound as catchy as Faggotize so that is the term we are going with.

So you ladies that have the power of influence over your male friends, significant others or husbands, please don’t steer him down the wrong pathway.  Some of us don’t know any better and will fall victim to bad advice. So if you not sure of what bad advice to your man is, here is the litmus test.

  If you do it or have it to look good, Then your man shouldn’t do it or have it to look good. 
 
For starters, your man should not be wearing tight hot pants, boy shorts, spandex or bicycle shorts. (See Manlaw #4). The curves of a woman’s hips, ass, thighs are a thing of beauty and should be displayed and presented in the previously mentioned articles of clothing (in addition to thongs, g-strings or even less).  But, why would you encourage any man to do this?

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Now that we have your attention, keep these in mind as well.

If you wax or pluck your eyebrows…your man should NOT wax or pluck his eyebrows. 

If you wax and shave yuh body…doh make yuh man wax and shave his entire body.  Unless he entering a Mr. Universe competition, a world class swimmer, a porn star, or looks like a fukkin gorilla….then he will get a hall pass.

Earrings are acceptable. The old school concept for man and earrings is this: left ear-straight, right ear-bulla, both ears-switch hitter. But we give the fellas with earrings in both ears the benefit of the doubt and will assume they just want to flash their jewelry and since earrings come in pairs, might as well wear both.  BUT, only 1 piercing per ear is acceptable.  If yuh have 2 in each ear…..well, …..juss be honest with yuh woman.

Ladies! nipple, tongue and naval rings sexy as hell on you!!  but this is unacceptable for any man (see manlaw #2).  A great philosopher named Chris Rock once said “if a girl has her tongue pierced,.. she’ll probably suck your d!ck, If a guy has his tongue pierced,… he’ll probably suck your dick” (“No Sex in the Champagne Room”, 1999).  So if you are encouraging him or have encouraged him to pierce these body parts, please stop. If he has done this without you’re encouragement…..then…well, you might want to revaluate your relationship.

Other unacceptable practices for any man include: make-up, dying their hair color, perms, thongs, color contacts and fancy boots for the road.  So ladies….stop treating these poor clueless men like they yuh girlfriends…..and fellas….Man the Fukk up!!! 

 –Midnight Robber





World Premier: Carnival Man Laws

15 10 2007

Ladies, Gentlemen and Others,

                                                              It is long overdue, but now it is finally here.  Rules and reglations for men who participate in any Carnival to follow.  The founding skylarkers of these laws have numerous Carnival notches on their belts and have decided to unleash their knowledge to the lost and confused men who participate in Carnival, or would like to be part of this festive event.  These laws are cross-cultural and can be utilized by the fairer sex if they decide to step out of that tunnel vision known as “Carnival Bazoodeeness”.  “Carnival Bazodeeness” as defined by Whining Kriminals is the state where females lose their sense of self.  All priorities get shoved to the side and they eat, breath and sleep Carnival preparation.  Its all about being a side, front, back and middle line hoe.  This phenemon will be explored at a later date.  Without further delay, we present to you Carnival Man Laws:

  

  • Thou shall ALWAYS have Soca in Yuh Veins…..Soca in Yuh Blood.
  • Thou shalt NOT brandish naval, tongue or nipple rings in public.
  • Thou shall ALWAYS take a wine on Dat….if D Bumper Phat
  • Thou shalt NOT wear Spandex, Bicycle Shorts or Boyshorts.
  • Thou shalt NOT play in same section as wife or girlfriend.
  • Thou shalt NOT consume anything less than 40% alcohol by volume unless its beer andALWAYS have a FULLY loaded Bar.
  • Thou shall ALWAYS fete till sunrise.
  • Thou shalt NOT get bamboozled by the Carnival hype like a female, stay level.
  • Thou shalt NOT attempt to wukkup/whine on a Thick Sauce by thy self.
  • Thou shalt NOT play mas and participate in Carnival for any other reason but for the love of WOMEN, SOCA and RUM.
  • Thou shall ALWAYS acknowledge a Swanky ting wit a soot.