Contingency Planning – Preserving Yuh Bacchanal

28 11 2007

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OK…so yuh pay fuh flight, fete tickets, mas and accommodations are set.  What more do you have to worry about????….. Everything!!

Here are some tips from the Wining Kriminals to insure yuh carnival experience against catastrophe and life-long regret.

1 – Your Flight. If there is one thing people learned in 2k7 is that an untimely snowstorm in the NYC area will end your plans before you even finish packing.  There are hundreds of “would-be” 2k7 masqueraders that are still bitter about this travesty and were borderline suicidal until they sought professional help. So our advice to you..keep a very, very close eye on the weather!!!  Any hint of a snow, sleet, ice storm or swarms of locusts and grasshoppers, bump your trip “up” and get out early. Believe it or not, connecting flights may actually prove to be a better option that non-stop when “weather proofing” your trip.  There are dozens, upon dozens of options to get to Atlanta, Miami, Houston or Puerto Rico “early”, and actually make your regularly scheduled connection, even if it means being in one of those cities a day or 2 ahead of schedule.  Granted, it will cost you more, but spending a couple of days in Miami, Atlanta or Puerto Rico can’t be that bad.  Chances are, the non-stop flights will be full the days prior so you will have less options to get out early.  Is really not a big deal to  spend a day or 2 living in an airport, Tom Hanks did it and tings didn’t go too bad for him.  So basically have some vex money just in case mother nature decide to play a tief head.

2 – Lost Luggage– every seasoned traveler knows you pack about 2 days of clothes in your carry-on.  Much easier for women who can pack 30 skimpy outfits in a purse.  Granted they will be shoeless, without makeup and their hair will be a mess because a  womans’ maintenance items & accessories require separate suitcases that will have to be checked in. Fellas..we have it a little tougher. Just make sure you pack 3-4 T-shirts & clean draws in your carry-on. If you know which fetes you going the first 2 days, you can pack accordingly (ie. Black for EWS or White for Glow/POSE).  We can only hope that your luggage comes within 2 days and isn’t sitting in Miami International on its way to Columbia.

3 –Sickness – Alka Seltzer, Pepto Bismol, Aspirin etc. is a must have, but please don’t mix these or any medicine with liquor. You are better off just drinking the liquor as opposed to taking medicine. Yes, this is bad advice but remember…liquor is a pain killer, and it makes you go pee which is a good thing when you are sick.  Or, you can just take 2 Panadol and stay in that night & hope you can make the rest of the Carnival events.  If you have a serious condition, get back on the plane and go home!!!.  Yuh don’t want to end up in Port-of-Spain, General Hospital. They will be flying your corpse back home to your family members with a sticky note saying yuh dead from a bad mosquito bite, and btw we saw he/she had some good organs so we took dem since dey didn’t need dem anymore.

4 –Cycles– Fellas, you traveling with your Lady?  Check her pills about 6 weeks to month out. If the white pills are scheduled for the exact same days the two of you are due to be enjoying the bacchanal, I suggest you hide her pills…throw off her schedule and give it back in time for her to get back on schedule.  Yuh don’t need the crimson tide to ruin the happy endings you should be having  after every fete.  There is a good chance she has already thought this out.  So you don’t have to resort to hiding her pills and she will take care of it by sticking with the colored pills for an extra 3 weeks.  But, incase she’s not willing to make that adjustment, you know what you have to do.

5 – Bad Company – It is a well known fact, that many carnival virgins really have no clue what they are getting into.  Carnival is not for the weak or the meek.  You have to be mentally and physically strong to handle fete, after fete, after fete, jovert and 2 full days on the road. If you have one of these weak, meek, high maintenance individuals with you, make sure you (or they) have alternate forms of transportation back to where allyuh staying at all times, because they will want to leave everything before sunrise.  Also, if they can’t handle their drinks, make sure you lay them down on a nice soft patch of grass or in a distant corner of the fete. Keep their wallet and valuables with you, so they don’t get robbed while they passed out.  Just don’t forget dey asses when it time to leave. If they can’t wukkup on the road for 2 straight days, make sure they play with a quality band like Tribe that is equipped with airconditioned bus specifically for these losers to ride the entire parade route.  Remind them, they wont see a beach until ash Wednesday and don’t expect to see any white sand or turquoise waters out in Maracas Bay. Don’t get mad at them, remember, its your fault for letting them tag along with you in the first place.  Friends may come and go, but Carnival is once ah year.  Your friends can be replaced. 

6 – Crime Prevention– Don’t go to the International Soca Monarch Finals!!!  (see Fete after Fete II). Also…stay out of the following areas, Laventille, Carenage, Never Dirty (it always dirty, trust me on this), Petite Valley, Vegas (not like Las Vegas), Beetham Gardens (if yuh cah stall leave it and run…….run like Forest Gump and doh stop), River Estates in Diego Martin, Nelson Street, etc.  When yuh going to a fete, unless yuh stopping in well populated liming areas like Woodbrook and St. James, doh stop.  There are ALWAYS eyes on you MARKING you if not for today, maybe next week.  Some may be offended but I from 1 of the very popular bandit capitals of T&T, so I could say what I want…….who vex loss……..and if ah forget to mention yuh neighborhood doh worry, next time.  On a serious note doh, Carnival is d safest time of d year to visit T&T, so yuh safe as long as yuh doh turn yuhself into a victim by being dotish and not using common sense.  Doh advertise yuh business to attract attention. 

Other bits of advice to ensure you have a good time.

Don’t pet any stray dogs. They have more ticks than Poison had masqueraders.  Also, don’t let us catch you pelting full bottles of beer at them either!!  Remember, No Alcohol Abuse in 2k8!! If yuh want to get rid of them, just pretend you are picking up a rock. Every stray dog in the islands know this motion very well and will immediately haul deh ass down the road.

Don’t sit at the base of any tree or in the grass in the Queens Park Savannah…I think I’ve peed on just about every tree in the Savannah and I know I’m not the only one!  As a matter of fact doh lean no wey, every wall, corner  and crevice has been pissed on.

Leave “relatively” early for any fete in Chaguaramas or you will spend the entire night in traffic looking at Scalpers.

When yuh walking on the sidewalk, make sure you occasionally look down. Quite often, big blocks of pavement is missing, or the sidewalk juss disappear. This is guaranteed to provide yet another “Mastercard Priceless Moment” to your friends when you faceplant into a big canal.

If you aren’t use to road rules in Trinidad (or any island for that matter), please don’t drive. If you are a passenger with a weak constitution, we suggest you look out the side windows, at your feet or just keep your eyes closed so you don’t witness the daredevil behavior of other occupants of the road.  NASCAR drivers have nothing on those drivers in Trinbago.  Especially when yuh going up Maracas for dat famous Bake and Shark, say a prayer and doh look over the precipice.





Kriminal Rant………..Band on Fire

27 11 2007

[odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17372383/view] 

There was a recent band launching a few weeks ago and from the looks of things, it was a success.  Viewing the band website, more sections are closed out and a few people  I know visited the band house where options are now limited/scarce.  In years past there was really no need to have a band launching in foreign to encourage masqueraders because foreign masqueraders are generally real thusty to play ah mas and to return home.  With many more options of bands to play mas with and the disappointment with customer service, people are taking their time and weighing their options closely.  Things were moving slow for this big band, but  it appears that the recent marketing strategy was a huge success.  This time last year they didnt have to do any extra work to solicit masqueraders, what a difference a year makes.  I would hope all this extra work that they have been forced to do will trickle down into added efforts to satisfy their customers.





Fete After Fete After Fete Part II……..Mashing Up Fete Is We Name

24 11 2007

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Thursday January 31st, 2008
 

* Michael Headley’s All Inclusive Fete

Heard great things about this fete and have yet to check it out because of the logistics involved with time and distance.  This is a daytime to late evening affair.   There is also a very popular night affair (UWI Splash) to attend.  MidNight Robber swears by this fete.  This is his take on it:  “After you make the 2+ hour trek to the eastern side of Trinidad, through winding unpaved roads and little villages hidden n the countryside, you arrive at the Estate overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Food!! Unlimited..drinks…topshelf..unlimited drinks……..did I mention it was topshelf and unlimited.  Patrons even get a little gift as they come through the front.  The crowd is mature with a very nice mix of lively older people and a mature younger crowd. This fete comes highly recommended despite the price tag”.

* Beach House Carnival All Inclusive Fete

This is the other popular daytime to late evening affair.  I have attended this fete and the 1 thing I could say, BAR CANNOT BUSS.  The other thing I could say, they must do better with the food.  Not quality but quantity.  Dat appetizer food station thing they had going on last year nah go work.  Set in the Valleys out in Maracas-St. Joseph off a winding road.  Where cell phone reception is non existent. So calling yuh transportation when its time to go is a lost cause.  You will walk 3 miles back into town to meet yuh transport b/c the narrow road will be blocked off by police for incoming traffic or by people making u turns to head back out.
 

* Alternative Thursdays

Never been, but that Alternative word and Down D Islands doesn’t make me feel comfortable..

* Tribe Ignite

Tribe Fete usually runs up against UWI Splash on Thursday night.  The stoosh Tribe faithfuls will be in attendance. Nothing special here, the usual performers will make their round robin of appearances (i.e. Machel) 

Friday February 1st, 2008
 

* Island People Girl Power

Never went to this thing because of the reported stoosh factor.  Now I have a bit ah stooshness in meh, in that I like to party with civilized folks.  But at d same time I like rell bachannal.  Well supposedly this fete was d sleeper fete last year and it was good. 

* Blue Range Cooler Fete

Never went but hear it suppose to be good.

* Rise All-Inclusive – Never went

* Cooler Fete – Pier 1

This was a yearly pilgrimage for me in my youth.  Nothing better dan taking yuh alcohol on road wit yuh.  But fight after fight after fight is a rell vibes killer.  So this fete was eliminated from my itinerary all together.

International Soca Monarch Finals

Bring yuh crew!!, arm yourself with weapons, and go with a Rambo mentality. It’s survival of the fittest if you are down on the field.  Think 300 Spartans. This event is an All out war set to live Soca music. I have visions of an old 1970’s (yes, I’m showing my age) Gang movie based in NYC called “The Warriors”. Attending Soca Monarch Finals can literally be you and your crew against the world and your job is to make it back to Coney Island alive with everyone in tact. You might lose some members of your crew along the way but that’s the chance you take for fukkin with the wrong crowd.  Every psycho, heartless, criminal minded individual in TnT will be here.  VIP isn’t really VIP being that they are 150 Yards from the front of the stage.  They do get a perfect view of the bacchanal going down on the field though.  They might root for your survival. Ah remember meh pardnas from d old neighborhood telling stories last year of how d bar buss because it was robbed, dey see men in d crowd wit full case ah Stag and ting.  And yeah d brawls in d crowd was like a scene from 300 Spartans.  “Caaaannn youuuu Diggit and Lets get Ready to Rumblllllllle”.   Very appropriate battle cries for this fete.

 

 

 

 

Saturday February 2nd, 2008
 

* Panorama Finals

Pan is sweet.  And people should attend.

* Island Style Insomnia Fete

This fete was the mother of all fetes.  It was the 1 fete that I always looked forward to in Trini.  This fete was the ultimate test of yuh endurance and would verify yuh as a true warrior.  But as the years have passed, this fete has passed my liking.  I have become displeased with the quality of performers and the fighting.  And NO I not going to pay for no overpriced VIP.  Performers would come give yuh a quick ting and den dey gone.  I got use to seeing d sun come up wit Machel performing, last year no sun.  I eh really see no foreign acts either except for the MC from Brooklyn who in Trinidad asking Brooklyn people to show d crowd how Brooklyn people does do it. 

* Trini Posse All-Inclusive Fete

Cute fete, dey look like dey does be having a good time.

* Sunny Side Up All-Inclusive Breakfast Party

Heard it’s a very well put together and intimate fete.

Sunday February 3rd, 2008 (Carnival Sunday)
 

* Moka All-Inclusive Fete

Never been there.

* Brian Lara All-Inclusive Fete

The reports are this is the Bourgoise/Stoosh fete of the Carnival season.  If yuh is somebody, think yuh somebody or want to be somebody, then empty yuh pockets and go push yuh nose up in d air wit yuh people.  Will never see me.  NEVER.

***Coming Soon:  Super Scalpers……Friend or Foe***





Fete After Fete After Fete……..Mashing Up Fete Is We Name

20 11 2007

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[odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17347733/view]

First and foremost allyuh need to understand something before I get started.  I is a fella who feel I could talk bout anybody for 2 reasons.  Firstly is that I come from a very diverse background and consider everybody to be my people.   Secondly is because I doh give a shit if people talking bout me once is trute.  So wit dat outta d way who ever get vex could go suck salt and hopefully feel better after dat.  My intent is to give you the readers a very vivid and objective preview of what to expect at the fetes 2 weeks prior to Carnival 2K8 in T&T.  On annodder note, if yuh is a 1st time visitor to T&T, do yuhself a big favor, doh be a chupidee, organize transportation.  T&T is not a tourist oriented society, and transportation rell scare, so either rent yuh own car or hire a reputable taxi service.  Doh feel yuh could catch a cab or mop-a-drop (hitch-hike) from a good Samaritan, yuh go be asking for rell trouble in both instances.  Since the Kriminals are only in T&T for 2 weeks, we will give a review/preview of the fetes during that time period.

 

 

Saturday January 26th, 2008

* Mr. Machel Montano Alternative Concept 6

The man is a boss.  He does mash up any fete and is no doubt the best Soca entertainer in the World, just not at his own show.  I found his performance last year to be mediocre and him to be unprofessional.  Hoe d ass yuh go have a concert and not perform for most of the concert.  Then beg d police for more time because yuh realize yuh short change people.   VIP should stand for Vex I Payed, drinks were watered down and expensive.  By the time you bought 2 drinks yuh had no more chits left for drinks.   But there was ample food and groupies.

 

Sunday January 27th, 2008
* CAREC All-Inclusive

Never went this affair but keep hearing it’s worth the money. 
* Nestle All-Inclusive

Never went this affair but wouldn’t mind getting some free Milo drinks and Condense milk.

Monday January 28th, 2008
* PNM Fete – Balisier House

Meh good lady fren swear by this fete, but all I does picture is a bunch ah ole George Chambers and Eric Williams supporters wining on each other with a Ballisier in dey hand.

 

*Mardi Gras

Nothing special here…you might get a couple of beads reminiscent of New Orleans Mardi Gras Tradition. Usual performers making their round robin of appearances…..i.e. Machel.

 

Tuesday January 29th, 2008

*A.W.O.L

This fete was somewhey up in d bamboo patch heading up Macquaripe.  Yuh parked yuh car on d outside of d compound by security and maxis shuttled yuh in on d bumpiest road in Trinidad.  Ah tink they call d place Tucker Valley or something so.  I is a greedy fella.  Ah had to say dat because it had rell food and rell drinks.  I eh never drink so much Johnny Walker Green in meh life.  Plus ah eat like 4 servings ah saltfish and provisions, that’s right ah said 4 servings.  Is like they put “stay home” in that saltfish for meh because ah never leave in front dat food stand after d first serving.  D vibes was rell nice too.  Good music, quality people and reasonable price.  Ah tink we payed somewhey between $250-$300 TT.  And for the record I did consume somewhey between $250-$300 TT in food and drinks.  Ah was mad we leave a little early because we had to go EWS, and as we leaving D Riddim Section was just rolling in.

* Eyes Wide Shut CARNIVALE

This is always a decent fete and yuh could start feeling the electricity of Carnival approaching from this fete.  D police wasn’t making no joke outside this 1 and had people lining up like in school for assembly every morning.  All who eh listen get send home early.  Ah was a little bun from A.W.O.L fete but I is a wicked fella.  Once my foot touch Trini soil I does go into overdrive.  Funny thing is ah could only remember 2 performances.  Machel and he Caravan and KMC.  Reason why ah remember Jumbie is because he actually performed like somebody was paying him money unlike dat Saturday nite at AC like he was wukking for free.  I is a KMC fan, but dat bawling ting need to be revamped.

* Island Style Glow

Never have been, but when was D last time yuh went a good Glow?  Nuff said.
* Bishops Junior School All-Inclusive Fete

      I eh go a school Bazaar or Frolic in a while, and it go be a bit longer.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday January 30th, 2008
* Bacchanal Wednesday

Well Bachannal Wednesday was bachannal because Destra got plunked in D head and started cussing.  Now I have no problem with Destra, I love D woman as a performer.  Ah actually rank she 2nd to Jumbie as far as my favorite performers.  But after she got plunked by some drunk white boy, she went into this whole long dissertation of how it hard to be a woman in D business and performing on D stage.  Dat sour meh.  She shoulda get off D stage and show dat fella wat part ah Laventille she from.  Bachannal Wednesday is good because D performers for some strange reason does give yuh they best performance.   Maybe it because the majority of patrons at this fete are the “fairer” class of T&T. 
* Customs Boys Fete

Last 3 years I have been offered free tickets to go this fete and last 3 years I have said NO.  Custom Fete….AKA..Ole Nigga Fete….as some people so eloquently described.  Definitely one of the less expensive fetes during Carnival week are conveniently located near Hasley Crawford Stadium.  The facility is definitely one of the “less intimate” outdoor venues. Making your way to the front of the stage is reminiscent of an old Atari 2600 game called pitfall.  You must hop over mud pits, ravines, canals, and through all sorts of bush to make it to a stage where you will proceed to jump up and whine in dirt and garbage.  By the time the fete done, people will think yuh juss played jouvert.  If you dare to get in with the locals, refrain from the sexy clothes…cause you will be throwing it away afterwards.

 

**Part II Coming Soon**





End Alcohol Abuse NOW!

18 11 2007

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[odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17341713/view]

Alcohol abuse is……

Spilling your drink!!!   No good cup of Rum or Whiskey deserves to be mistreated by getting spilled.  I have observed many individuals, failing to exercise proper care of their drinks, often spilling it on fellow masqueraders, themselves, innocent bystanders and spectators.  Once, I  witnessed a fella pelt a good bottle of Stag at a stray dog.  I’m thinking to myself, “W.T.F. is he doing??? that’s a good bottle of beer!  Since I’m also part Rum-Chaser, I was ready to call security on this fella for abusing his drink, till someone pointed out that pelting a full bottle of Stag isn’t necessarily a crime.

So that being said, I am starting a crusade to raise public awareness against what I feel is a serious social issue. “Alcohol Abuse“!!, and I don’t mean mean drinking so much that you lose all sense of self, show your a$$ publicly, kick the family dog kind and pelt the cat out the window kind of alcohol abuse.  I’m talking about DRINK SPILLAGE!!, wasting perfectly good drinks!!!!  

Just because yuh band or the fetes you attend are all inclusive and Courvoisier, Patrone and Hennesy is in abundance.  It still does not grant the right to spill even 1 ounce anyplace other than in your mouth.  Professional drinkers know this, and will often display  a penchant for multi-tasking with their drinks.  Just look at this fella balance a 1/5th of Grey Goose and Wine! although this is a high risk manuever, this man penchant for keeping a bottle upright.  Amateurs please do not try this at home.

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So it doesn’t matter if woman in front, back, or left and right, you drink should stay in hand, tanqueray stays in cup. No amount of women, foam falling from above or the hottest soca tunes will result in drink spillage. 

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Some carnival regulars will choose to bring their own drinking apparatus. This is a brilliant concept because it virtually eliminates the possibility of spillage and increases the drink quantity in hand and as a result it reduces trips your trips to the bar. Be it a flask, canteen or a bota, any method of protecting your liquor is acceptable behavior for masqueraders. 

Leather Pouch   <—Bota  A.K.A  Rum Pouch

Wining Kriminals are such believers in this practice, we once again will prove our resourcefulness by providing the following links, so that you can obtain one of these so called “drink containers” for the road. 

Wine Botas

Canteens

Drink Sport Bags 

 For those of you that do not imbibe in alcohol or are not “heavy drinkers”, we want to make you aware some of the therapeutic benefits to increasing your alcohol consumption on the road.  This list of benefits include, but are not limited to:

Making your fellow masqueraders look more appealing.
•       Ladies, worried bout that pooch that slops over your panty or your tiger striped stretch marks?  Fellas, afraid that big bamcee girl in  Genesis  won’t feel your unibrow or the fact your missing your 2 front teeth? No scene!, with enough sips of Seagrams Gin, Belvedere or Absolute. You won’t give a fukk!!! and neither will the drunk person looking at you.

Alcohol is a Pain Killer and Performance Enhancer.
•       Think about it, is it really normal for a human to wine and jump to fast paced Soca music for 12, 13, 14 straight hours on a hard pavement?  99% of Masqueraders people don’t do this any other time of the year!  It doesn’t take 12 hours to finish the NYC marathon and those people train for months to complete that event. Yet, masqueraders will keep going like energizer bunnies. So just how do these people manage to line up at 8AM and go till 8,9,10 PM or later and not feel pain in their feet, knees and back??  It’s the Old Oak, Wray & Nephew, Fernandez and others!!

Alcohol is a confidence Booster and increases the entertainment factor for everyone around you
•       The downside to having a boosted confidence is the lack of good judgement, but this often proves to be entertaining for everyone else.   So when you witness that 150 lb man, approach a 320lb mampee on the road and attempt to lift her off the ground for a wine, you can thank Jack Daniels or Crown Royal, for this Mastercard Priceless Moment.  Of course, you should only do so after you peel his corpse off the pavement and you throw his a$$ on the truck for the rest of the Carnival.  This will be a memory you and the other witnesses will treasure for a lifetime.

The list doesn’t stop here but this entry will never end if I continue with other benefits of alcohol. 

So when you land in the islands, make sure you spend quality time with the likes of Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Ron Bacardi, Remy Martin and others.  They are your friends and want you to have a good time.

Lastly, remember to take good care of your libations.  Protecting your drinks is key. Savor every last drop. Love your drink, become one with your drink. Drinks are your friends.

Lets put an End Alcohol Abuse
No Drink’s Spilled in 2k8!!

 MidnightRobber!

Coming Soon –

What a Man Really NEEDS in a Goodie Bag





Kriminal Rant……………..Chupidees

16 11 2007

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 Battered Masquerader Syndrome (BMS) is a phenomenon where a masquerader has been bobolized by a mas band and returns to the same band after a few empty promises are made that the “beatings” will stop. 

  

Perfect example, I was reading bout a BIGTIME band launching in NYC a few days ago and how blown away masqueraders were with seeing the costumes in person.  The Flip-Flop Wajangs started flipping and flopping as to their true nature.  I though to myself………”Self: “How soon people forget about getting kicked in the mouth and clout in d back ah dey head”.  

 It was a few months ago that there were so many people who were outraged over the treatment they received from registration to Carnival Monday and Tuesday on d road.    Yuh ever see a human being try to catch a gift bag like a Frisbee…….”Ok, Sit Ubu sit, good dog”.  There were confirmed reports of costume malfunctions (wrong size, falling apart, etc), wutless security coverage where half of T&T crossed d stage wit masqueraders, DJ’s playing a certain tune over and over like groundhog day and using a broomstick as a Standard for each section as if is midgets in d entire band.  And of course the ig-no-rant entertainer walking arrung like a politician running for office, but getting into an altercation with a female masquerader.  Shouldn’t meh boy have been performing?

   

But all is now well, how soon we forgive and forget when we get into “Carnival Bazodee” mode.  Come nah people.  Its time to hold these bands accountable for their actions and make them prove to you that they appreciate your hard earned dollar.  Let them prove to you that they will do right by you………….so far I eh not impressed or convinced that they really give a damn bout their consumers.

****Coming Soon ****

Fete after Fete after Fete after Fete…………………….Mashing Up Fete is We Name





In Search of A$$

13 11 2007

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In Search of ASS

So being the typical man with a one track mind, my level of interest in mas costumes and their presentation is questionable.  I often miss the point and I make no excuses for it.  Why is that? Probably because I don’t care.  Hell, I’m part Bamsee Hauler, so what do you expect.  I know, you might get the impression I’m not embracing my culture but that’s not true.  A carnival is a small microcosim in every island’s overall culture, so missing the point on a microcosim is irrelevant on a whole.

So what exactly is my purpose for perusing dozens of galleries of band launchings and the band sites???? To figure out which band is putting the most ass on the road!!  Hell, I’m spending $400 to join a band for the trifecta of Drinks, Soca and Women.  So, its In my best interest I do my research on the women.  I already know what I’m drinking and with regards to the soca, I’ll probably hear Machel Montano’s “Whining Season” 1,378 times over the course of 2 days on the road. 

So I peruse all the sites and galleries, carefully looking and analyzing these women and the costumes.   Which band showing the most flesh? who offering the most thongs? Where the wire bras? So, while doing this research, I look at these models and ask myself….where’s the ass?.  Where are the real women!!  Can I get some curves.  Can these mas people represent the women that will really dominate the female population of your respective bands?

I mean really, what the hell is this!!!???  Who hired this model and why? is this even a woman??

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This costume gives you the impression that flesh will be exposed but dammit, she’s not doing this design justice.  Hell, this one embarrasses the slim women.  Anyway, Im going to get off my soap box for a minute and pay homage to my top 5 TNT band launch and gallery models for the upcoming 2k8 carnival season.

#5, this Evolution Model on the left. Yes..she is slim, but slim women can have ass too.  Granted,  there are some characteristics to this picture that gets this model at #5 and I realize that she can be as misleading as a padded bra.  For starters, they say pictures add 10 lbs to your frame so in truth, she might really be a toothpick with small balloons attached to her backside. She standing at a good angle that make her look thicker.  She also makes the effort to stick out her ass adds to the effect.  The gold tint on her body helps this apparent thickness as well.  Despite all that, she still makes my honor roll based on effort.

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This fine specimen from Dream Team gets #4.  Doesn’t have the bubble like #5, but she’s thicker, nice lookin skin, body tight, waist, hips and no misleading poses or lighting tricks.  This one have a nice bamcee despite the lack of that “bubble”. She will have alot of fans on the road.

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#3 hails from Tribe. There is no denying the bubble ass we have here since she is standing upright.  Its shaped like a big watermelon and it extends through the hips and thighs. Every thing this woman put on her ass will look like a thong because of its shape.  She will catch a lot of fellas off guard b/c of her pretty face. They will approach her from the front and then get floored when they get behind her for a whine.  She is going to have problems peeling fellas off her backside.

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#2 comes from DreamTeam as well.  Found this specimen in the costume gallery. Now this my friends is a real woman. Tall, leggy, hips and Azz for DAYS. It looks like it has a giggle to it that will make any man stare and drool uncontrollably.  Other women will marvel at this ass and secretly take photos of her backside.  She will be envied by most women and lusted after by all men (and those same women  taking the pictures but that’s another story in itself).  When fellas pose to take a picture of her, they will insist she turn around.  They will drop to their knees, then proceed to put their faces next to her ass with their tongue sticking out. This will be a common photo position for this woman.

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And #1 is a natural wonder that comes to you from Genesis. She’s so thick you can see it from the front.  She will need bodyguards on the road. Men will stalk her, waiting for an opportunity to tief a wine.  People will reach out just to touch it.  They want to see if its real. There will be fights on the road over this woman. She will be a YouTube star b/c everyone will switch their cameras from safe mode to video mode and proceed to post her all over the internet on Ash Wednesday.  You can rest your drink on her backside.  People might mistake her backside for one of the music trucks and there will be a crowd running behind her during the las lap.  Some poor soul will confess his undying love and propose to this woman on the road.  This woman’s ass wont quit! There isn’t enough adjectives to describe how beautiful this thing is. So whats the first place prize for this woman???  Acknowledgement on a Blog she’ll never ever see.

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My fellow bamsee haulers get ready!! because we know that nothing beats a thick woman on the road. Don’t get me wrong, we love all woman and the slender women shouldn’t feel any lack of love.  Hell, they gets all the love…just look in the same galleries I did.  

Now that I’ve finished surfing the galleries and launch photos,  I can go back to doing some productive internet research and download some high quality porn from phatbootybrazilmovies.com.

Midnight Robber!!