OK…so yuh pay fuh flight, fete tickets, mas and accommodations are set. What more do you have to worry about????….. Everything!!
Here are some tips from the Wining Kriminals to insure yuh carnival experience against catastrophe and life-long regret.
1 – Your Flight. If there is one thing people learned in 2k7 is that an untimely snowstorm in the NYC area will end your plans before you even finish packing. There are hundreds of “would-be” 2k7 masqueraders that are still bitter about this travesty and were borderline suicidal until they sought professional help. So our advice to you..keep a very, very close eye on the weather!!! Any hint of a snow, sleet, ice storm or swarms of locusts and grasshoppers, bump your trip “up” and get out early. Believe it or not, connecting flights may actually prove to be a better option that non-stop when “weather proofing” your trip. There are dozens, upon dozens of options to get to Atlanta, Miami, Houston or Puerto Rico “early”, and actually make your regularly scheduled connection, even if it means being in one of those cities a day or 2 ahead of schedule. Granted, it will cost you more, but spending a couple of days in Miami, Atlanta or Puerto Rico can’t be that bad. Chances are, the non-stop flights will be full the days prior so you will have less options to get out early. Is really not a big deal to spend a day or 2 living in an airport, Tom Hanks did it and tings didn’t go too bad for him. So basically have some vex money just in case mother nature decide to play a tief head.
2 – Lost Luggage– every seasoned traveler knows you pack about 2 days of clothes in your carry-on. Much easier for women who can pack 30 skimpy outfits in a purse. Granted they will be shoeless, without makeup and their hair will be a mess because a womans’ maintenance items & accessories require separate suitcases that will have to be checked in. Fellas..we have it a little tougher. Just make sure you pack 3-4 T-shirts & clean draws in your carry-on. If you know which fetes you going the first 2 days, you can pack accordingly (ie. Black for EWS or White for Glow/POSE). We can only hope that your luggage comes within 2 days and isn’t sitting in Miami International on its way to Columbia.
3 –Sickness – Alka Seltzer, Pepto Bismol, Aspirin etc. is a must have, but please don’t mix these or any medicine with liquor. You are better off just drinking the liquor as opposed to taking medicine. Yes, this is bad advice but remember…liquor is a pain killer, and it makes you go pee which is a good thing when you are sick. Or, you can just take 2 Panadol and stay in that night & hope you can make the rest of the Carnival events. If you have a serious condition, get back on the plane and go home!!!. Yuh don’t want to end up in Port-of-Spain, General Hospital. They will be flying your corpse back home to your family members with a sticky note saying yuh dead from a bad mosquito bite, and btw we saw he/she had some good organs so we took dem since dey didn’t need dem anymore.
4 –Cycles– Fellas, you traveling with your Lady? Check her pills about 6 weeks to month out. If the white pills are scheduled for the exact same days the two of you are due to be enjoying the bacchanal, I suggest you hide her pills…throw off her schedule and give it back in time for her to get back on schedule. Yuh don’t need the crimson tide to ruin the happy endings you should be having after every fete. There is a good chance she has already thought this out. So you don’t have to resort to hiding her pills and she will take care of it by sticking with the colored pills for an extra 3 weeks. But, incase she’s not willing to make that adjustment, you know what you have to do.
5 – Bad Company – It is a well known fact, that many carnival virgins really have no clue what they are getting into. Carnival is not for the weak or the meek. You have to be mentally and physically strong to handle fete, after fete, after fete, jovert and 2 full days on the road. If you have one of these weak, meek, high maintenance individuals with you, make sure you (or they) have alternate forms of transportation back to where allyuh staying at all times, because they will want to leave everything before sunrise. Also, if they can’t handle their drinks, make sure you lay them down on a nice soft patch of grass or in a distant corner of the fete. Keep their wallet and valuables with you, so they don’t get robbed while they passed out. Just don’t forget dey asses when it time to leave. If they can’t wukkup on the road for 2 straight days, make sure they play with a quality band like Tribe that is equipped with airconditioned bus specifically for these losers to ride the entire parade route. Remind them, they wont see a beach until ash Wednesday and don’t expect to see any white sand or turquoise waters out in Maracas Bay. Don’t get mad at them, remember, its your fault for letting them tag along with you in the first place. Friends may come and go, but Carnival is once ah year. Your friends can be replaced.
6 – Crime Prevention– Don’t go to the International Soca Monarch Finals!!! (see Fete after Fete II). Also…stay out of the following areas, Laventille, Carenage, Never Dirty (it always dirty, trust me on this), Petite Valley, Vegas (not like Las Vegas), Beetham Gardens (if yuh cah stall leave it and run…….run like Forest Gump and doh stop), River Estates in Diego Martin, Nelson Street, etc. When yuh going to a fete, unless yuh stopping in well populated liming areas like Woodbrook and St. James, doh stop. There are ALWAYS eyes on you MARKING you if not for today, maybe next week. Some may be offended but I from 1 of the very popular bandit capitals of T&T, so I could say what I want…….who vex loss……..and if ah forget to mention yuh neighborhood doh worry, next time. On a serious note doh, Carnival is d safest time of d year to visit T&T, so yuh safe as long as yuh doh turn yuhself into a victim by being dotish and not using common sense. Doh advertise yuh business to attract attention.
Other bits of advice to ensure you have a good time.
Don’t pet any stray dogs. They have more ticks than Poison had masqueraders. Also, don’t let us catch you pelting full bottles of beer at them either!! Remember, No Alcohol Abuse in 2k8!! If yuh want to get rid of them, just pretend you are picking up a rock. Every stray dog in the islands know this motion very well and will immediately haul deh ass down the road.
Don’t sit at the base of any tree or in the grass in the Queens Park Savannah…I think I’ve peed on just about every tree in the Savannah and I know I’m not the only one! As a matter of fact doh lean no wey, every wall, corner and crevice has been pissed on.
Leave “relatively” early for any fete in Chaguaramas or you will spend the entire night in traffic looking at Scalpers.
When yuh walking on the sidewalk, make sure you occasionally look down. Quite often, big blocks of pavement is missing, or the sidewalk juss disappear. This is guaranteed to provide yet another “Mastercard Priceless Moment” to your friends when you faceplant into a big canal.
If you aren’t use to road rules in Trinidad (or any island for that matter), please don’t drive. If you are a passenger with a weak constitution, we suggest you look out the side windows, at your feet or just keep your eyes closed so you don’t witness the daredevil behavior of other occupants of the road. NASCAR drivers have nothing on those drivers in Trinbago. Especially when yuh going up Maracas for dat famous Bake and Shark, say a prayer and doh look over the precipice.