Looking Forward Tuh: FALL OUT FETE……Friends Are Long Lasting

25 01 2010

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The Jumbie Dat Stole Carnival……….Rah

25 01 2010

“Like We Need Blood in We Vains…….Dais How We Feel Bout Port-ah-Spain”.  Ah have ah feeling a lesson is being taught fuh C2K10.  By who yuh ask.  Well take ah guess.  9 out 10 times which artist does the masses look forward to seeing perform at a fete?  Which artist allyuh know infuses energy in a fete that makes the stushest of stush get on like a George Street Wajang.  So I was watching d Funeral ah mean Amnesia d odder night and folks………if this is a sign of what the season ahead holds……well we in trouble.  Lets look beyond the crowd which was clearly mourning the loss of $500 for this event………not 1 band or performer stood out.  Actually they all seem mediocre and shitty.  Yes ALL ah dem.  Zero vibes.  So maybe its just me out here in d cold feeling this way.  Nah…..ah dey talking tuh a few ah meh boys home and dey say d place doh have no vibes.  Well it kinna early so maybe things might pick up like how d Breathalyzer law snagged its 1st 6 violators dis past weekend.  BTW…….that Breathalyzer is a rell vibes killer eh.  Ah hearing rell people fraid tuh take a little drink here and there yes.   So long story short……….between the Breathalyzer Jumbie and d hiding Jumbie………things looking rell lame right now.  But who knows…….he might fly eeen like Super Grover and save d Festival.







A Horn is a Horn….only when you take it on…

8 01 2010

So fellas it’s been a while…well ah reach back just in time to make sure allyuh knowing how to play yuh position for de carnival season. I know plenty of allyuh talk a good game and all but when it all boils down to it, it’s really just talk. I know of some fellas dat does like to play a little game carnival time called “Ah vex!”. They does suddenly get vex for some unexplained reason and look to make argument with they woman or suddenly do some kinda silent treatment. The goal here is to have yuh woman wondering what wrong…maybe she do something wrong…maybe you find out something. This time yuh eh know shit and eh vex about nothing. You just looking to cause just enough confusion fuh allyuh to be separate fuh carnival time. Allyuh feel yuh rhell bright eh? But when yuh hear de shout Carnival Tuesday reach, yuh woman wining down de road wit a drink in one hand and she bottom rolling on a man. Oh! Wait! How dat happen?Eh heh! Yuh feel only you could be vex right? She should be home wondering wha wrong with you right? WRONG!!!!! Let me tell you like this. If you decide that you rather go see what is out on de road carnival time instead of what yuh done have…doh be surprise when yuh woman bottom rolling up and down Frederick street. Nobody staying home to think about you carnival time. So it’s best you make yuh decision ahead of time and stick with it. Here is my top 5 list of DON’Ts.

DO NOT:

  1. DO NOT go pulling no man off yuh woman if she is willingly wining on him. Is she waist and she have all rights to fling it where she want.
  2. DO NOT try and watch she cut eye like she doing something wrong. Ent is you dat didn’t want she latched on to you carnival time? Well…yuh get yuh wish!
  3. DO NOT decide now that yuh want yuh partner to go down de road with. NAH! Stick to yuh damn plan. After carnival yuh could decide if you want to reconcile. Carnival Monday and Tuesday is no time for couples therapy on de road.
  4. DO NOT begin to follow she by a few feet and cut yuh eye at every man that approaches her. Stop yuh shit. Move to a next section and find somebody else to entertain yuh. It’s like allyuh does only see de 45 to 1 ratio when yuh woman home sewing up yuh holey draws. As she reach out in de road in panty and beads and not with you suddenly is like she alone in de band.
  5. DO NOT make a fackin scene in de band! Do not do it! Somebody will be there with camera on hand and will catch you being an ass right on camera and dat shit will be all over youtube, facebook, and wherever else could post before yuh could wash de carnival sweat from under yuh left nut. Please go peacefully…pat yuh back about yuh great idea and wonderful plan and go like yuh fackin self. It is carnival time and she done having a time…no need to spoil your own.

This is Sweet Ting signing off…please remember…a horn could only be a horn if yuh take it on. Bless.





Time Tuh Wine Again in 2K10: Ducking Yuh Woman Fuh Carnival

7 01 2010

Ah have a confession tuh make.  Since I started this blog there has been a change and ah have been living a lie.  Past few years ah have been playing mas wit meh woman.  BUT fuh 2010 ah going back to d ways of d manlaws.  Carnival ManLaw #5 states:  ” Thou shalt NOT play in same section as wife or girlfriend” and I have gone against the brotherhood from island to island and state to state.  But today I say no more.  Ah liberating meh waist again fuh d 2 thousand and 10.  So Ah come up with a few excuses tuh hit she wit as to why ah not going Carnival again or to stop she from going……….. but she eh go know  go be jamming down d road in Port of Spain while she up here in d cold.  #1 is mine feel free tuh use it and ah added 9 more.  If we fellas eh look out fuh each other nowadays is pure sufferation and salt.

  • [s]Wine Flu pronounced small wine flu not to be confused with Swine Flu.  This is meh fool proof excuse.  Baby I in d hospital and dey say ah have Swine Flu.  I have to be on medication fuh d next 10 days and have tuh stay quarantined in d house.  Oh gosh baby ah sorry but we go make it thru dis.  Fellas dis 1 is a winner and if yuh worried bout long distance calls……….Magic Jack and “loss” yuh cellphone.  Here is the link http://www.magicjack.com/7/index.asp and all yuh need is a internet connection.  Yuh go ketch plenty small wine wit dis plan.
  • Call Homeland Security and report she as an enemy combatant who looking to go train in d hills of Mt St Benedict with Al Qaeda monks to come back America tuh cause catastrophic damage
  • Have 1 of yuh police friends that she dont know visit her and tell she that you witnessed a murder and was taken into protective custody until things blow over in a few days
  • Surprise I got the promotion.  Bad news is that I will be away training for the next 10 days and wont be able to call often.  But tuh make it up we could take a little run away fuh d weekend when ah reach back from training.
  • Pay one ah yuh frens tuh lock she in d soundproof basement with enough food fuh 2 weeks.
  • Get “kidnapped” d week before allyuh suppose to leave and send she video wit yuh pardnas posing as kidnappers who using yuh computer expertise to crack some government database and dey go kill yuh if she even blink at a police.
  • Feed she some brooklax dat go keep she on d bowl fuh 2 days and convince she dat she go make a standby flight d next day and yuh go be waiting fuh she
  • Throw away she passport d night before allyuh leaving and convince but d standby flight again knowing damn well all dem flights overbooked.
  • Take a business trip outta state or better yet d country and get into an “accident” wey dey pronounce yuh dead or cah find yuh body and dey eh go be able to ship yuh body back home fuh a couple ah days.
  • Start hearing voices and talking back to dem.  Den get yuh family tuh do an intervention where yuh get committed into d madhouse…………

***Disclaimer***

Baby if yuh read dis is not really me writing dis is dese damn voices in meh head………wait…..wat yuh juss say dey Camboulay? 8)





We Wining Again Fuh Carnival 2K10: Breathalyzer Pressure

5 01 2010

Major Issue For C2K10

Wais d rell scene with this Breathalyzer law people .  Word on d streets  is dat  mankind could only drink 2 beer.  What about womankind?  Is 2 Shandy fuh dem?  I been searching to see what the legal  Blood Alcohol Content limit set by this new legislation.  But ah better off trying tuh find a headcount fuh d number of people actually registered with Spice.  But dat is anodder story.  It never ceases to amaze me how the  d primary focus of TnT government is tuh always keep d people ignorant and uninformed.  So anybody who could direct meh to d law online or in d papers or even a pamphlet drop meh a line.  No ah not going tuh d Red House tuh look fuh it.  Bout 2 friggin beers.  I does have at least 4 fuh breakfast.  Stupes.  So wat will drinkers like mehself do fuh d Carnival season.  Well we WILL be drinking.

Understand this………..true drinkers know when tuh start and when tuh stop.  True drinkers know dey LIMITS.  True drinkers do NOT get behind the wheel of a vehicle drunk.  That 2 beer limit is kakahole thinking………yes is kakaholes running d government………2 beers fuh ah 150 pound man/woman is different fuh a 200 pound man/woman.  Alcohol tolerance will differ from person to person.  2 beers is like a small cup of orange juice fuh men who does drink Puncheon, Alcolada Lotion, Limacol and Bay Rum.  So let we have a quick recap………we dont know what the legal Blood Alcohol Level should be since it have not been published and we drinking responsibly anyway.  So what is d master plan.  D plan is tuh let d system beat itself.  Last check dem take too long to test d 1st and only suspected drunk driver.

1) There will be roadblocks and traffic will be backed up…………pull over tuh d side ah d road and get out of d driver seat……….sleep until d police gone.  If dey approach yuh vehicle tell dem yuh designated driver abandon yuh and yuh doing d responsible ting by not driving.  As far as I know is only drunk driving if yuh driving d car while drunk.

2)  If a lie detector can be beaten den a Breathalyzer machine could get fool too.  There are some special breathing exercises that yuh might be able to pick up in yoga, deep-sea diving or kung-fu training.  If the machine can’t get a proper reading den yuh safe.

3)  Vomit and/or tutu yuhself when d police stop yuh and tell dem yuh eh feeling too good.  With this strategy yuh might end up in St Anns and miss Carnival all together so watch yuh self.  I go either repulse dem or make dem madda dan dat.  And remember doh tell dem “Ahhhm not drunk so haul yuh khunt”

4)  Fete withing walking distance tuh yuh bed, Dont Drink or Have d 2 beers limit like a little gal.

5) Hire an extremely reliable driver who doh fete and only looking tuh make money fuh d season.

6) For those who realize meh list dotish yuh could buy a home Breathalyzer machine for $60-$80 US dollars and be safe rather than sorry.  Here is a link http://www.bestbuy.com/site/BACtrack+-+Select+Breathalyzer/9558935.p?skuId=9558935&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=9558935&ref=06&loc=01&id=1218124206611

7) Be Smart and Unselfish…………. Drink Responsibly and Arrive Alive

Next:  Meh Woman Tink Ah Home But Ah Out Dey On D Streets:  Ducking Yuh Woman Fuh Wining Season