Kriminal Rant – Getting Pimp Slapped

27 12 2007

Now, all of you, just like us are all lovers of Carnival and everything it is “supposed” to represent.  Unfortunately,we have all been subject to  some level of mistreatment or abuse from the powers that be.  We complain, we cuss, we get vex, we blast the violators on the internet and on Blogs. The abuse some of us take are reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turners greatest hits.  (lets see how many of you catch that joke). Yet, we persevere, play our mas, go to our fete’s…and sometimes go back to the same people that abuse us time and time again because once its said and done, we have drinks, we have Soca and we are liberated for the day…despite the bullsh!t it took to get there.

Here is the latest complaint, circulating the internet about the organizers of a fete that is by far hardest to obtain tickets.  

……………………. remembering that Boxing Day was the day that the much sought after Diamond Vale Breakfast Party tickets quietly began selling I decided to track them down. Now, I must say I have NEVER been to the Vale fete, though I have heard much about it. Everyone swears it is supposed to be THE best Breakfast party on Carnival Saturday/wee hours of Carnival Sunday yet I have chosen in the past to go to Insomnia and recently Dawn.For 2008 I had decided to give this Breakfast Party a try and upon questioning friends who have been before to find out why tickets were SO hard to come by, what made this fete so special I was told it was all about the vibe and the people since there were no live bands and it was not all inclusive. To tell you the truth, any fete where I have to track down tickets like a hunting dog on the trail of a rabid hare, leaves me with a somewhat acrid taste in my mouth. So it was more curiosity that led me to “the house” last evening.With several calls to the person who knew a person to get directions we eventually found “the house”, rang the bell.. waited and waited and waited some more before I got a bit tired of standing in the streets hoping for someone to come down and bestow tickets on me and left!!  ………………………………..


So, news reaching me today is that it was probably a good thing that I did not wait for those precious tickets since another “newbie” also made their way to “the house” yesterday for tickets and was given the “Spanish Inquisition!”. The persons with the golden ticket wanted to know who newbie was, how did newbie hear about the party AND wrote her name with contact information down in a book! At that time tickets were reportedly close to sold out as well, so you would think that all the interrogation was not necessary. Listen, between you and me I am NOT jumping through hoops for any party, I am sorry. And, I have been told that every year that with this particular fete it is the same drama to get tickets……………………………………………I realised that I was and never will be a Carnival masochist!

So the question I have is “where do we draw the line”?  This behavior and experience is not rare. There are six degrees of separation in most places in the world but only one in Trinidad. Everybody know somebody that know’s the organizers of this fete and isn’t suprised by the above email.  I have heard stories for years about the difficulty of getting tickets to this particular fete.  I have heard about the attitude and shadiness these people have when it comes to this fete.  We are by no means promoting or encouraging a boycott.  Im sure the Vale contingency don’t care b/c I get the impression, this is not what they had planned when the breakfast party first started.  Apparently it was for their family and friends…an no one else.  We welcome anyone that is “in the know” to come on and enligten us about Vale, in the comment section.  This is not a challenge…just help us understand the mistreatment.





From Us and Our Famalees to You and Yours…

25 12 2007

Happy Holidays

 From

Canboulay

Sweet Ting

Midnight Robber

Loud 4 Spite





Bobolee Bamsey Blocking Bodyguards aka B to d Power of 4

22 12 2007

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[odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17548363/view] 

There is a 5th B that sums up this type fella well but ah go keep dis post clean of profanity since we getting close to Christmas…….nah forget it he is a bitch…..a straight up chupidee bobolee bitch.  Wat kinna man follows a woman for 2 days tru d hot sun as if he is Kevin Costner and she is Whitney Houston.  As a fella I  label he as a jackass, but then too it takes two to tango eh.  So d question also have to be asked……..wat kinna a woman encourages a man to do dat chupidness.  Dat have 2 be also 1 of the most visible signs of possessivness I have ever seen besides wearing matching clothes.  We talking bout ah grown man following a woman for somewhey between 8-10 miles and at least 20-24 hours over a 2 day period.   Dat isnt normal behavior in my book.  Fella……why oh why oh why yuh doing dat boy?  Woman, why oh why oh why yuh setting womankind back to d stoneage by promoting dat caveman behaviour.  Oh, let we doh forget d female version of the B 4.  This is the chick who tink she is best fren of d year and must protect she fren bamsey from unwanted advances and attacks.  D fren doh necessarily wah she help, but dis chick feels neglected dat nobody wah jam she, so she pretends to be d best protector on d road.  Wat a fraud and an annoyance. 

But yuh kno wah, we can sit here and call yuh chupidee all day.  Or, we can continue with our mission to provide guidance and solutions to all your problems.  First people, you must realize that Jealousy and Mas don’t mix.  Its a bad combination like gunpowder and matches.  We acknowledge that this common problem and as a result, ManLaw #5, was written.  “Thou shall not play mas in same section as wife or girlfriend!!” 

Separation is just the first step in solving any jealousy issues you may have.

Next step is getting yuh mind right. Fellas, ovastand that there 3x as many women playing mas as men.  They all wearing a bra and panty (or less) on the road juss like yuh significant other.  She will blend in and no one is just staring at her like she swinging on a pole for money.

Next, a good portion of the men you “think” might be wining up on your significant other, are really not into her especially if they carryin on like this   ↓↓↓                                                                                               

 gay.jpg

We don’t know what type of physique you have but hopefully it look a little better than these fine specimens.  As long as yuh woman not into mampee men, yuh don’t have to worry about these characters if dey tief a wine wit her.  It won’t last long, they will be out of breath by the time the truck starts moving again.

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And then, there are our senior masqueraders.  You gotta love dem. Now if you fraid dis scarey fella stealing yuh woman, then u have deep self esteem issues and should seek counseling.

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Keep in mind that yuh woman might be wining on other woman more often than not.  This is common practice because there aren’t enough real men to go around.

 4women.jpg

If you have a problem with ah next woman wining up on yuh woman, please hit the X in the upper right corner of this window right now and don’t ever come back to our site.

OK..since yuh still here, we will continue.

Now we don’t want you to get over confident, because thats not to say that there aren’t fellas like this roaming around. 

 ealy.jpg

Chances are yuh woman will run up to him, other celebrities and the steroid induced masqueraders for pictures that you will be taking (since she have you carrying her camera among other things)  But, these fellas probably not studying her.  Remember, she not special..she on the road dressed the same way as 250,000 other women.  So do the math, there’s a 1 in 250,000 chance you would lose yuh woman to a Michael Ealy.  That’s not to say that lightning doesn’t strike.  Somebody woman hit it big by getting knocked up by Jay-Z a few years ago. But chances are, you can find a new woman on the road before your woman finds a new man.  Unless of course you are) a jealous ass, and (2) Look like a hot mess.  Rest assure, that if you are a hot mess, then she’s probably a hot mess and no one wants to downgrade.  

So fellas, don’t be a jealous ass or a B cube as we call them.  Let yuh woman enjoy carnival.  Play in a next band or atleast a next section. If yuh doing right by her, she won’t even take names from the fellas she getting random wines from.  Be cool, she will love you more at the end of the day.

Ladies, don’t think we forgot allyuh are prone to behave in the same manner if not worse.  We have already addressed this issue several times over wit yuh ability to manipulate yuh men in “Assume yuh position“, and even brain washing him into homosexual grooming activities as explained in “Ladies Stop Faggotizing these Men“.  You are not slick!!  We know your methods of masking your jealousy by making yuh man unapproachable.  The Wining Kriminals are here to put an end to yuh game and liberate our clueless bredren.





Long Time Dey Wanted KFC……Now Dem Gal Only Wah Yuh Fuh Card

18 12 2007

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If allyuh eh have a clue wat ah talking bout den discontinue reading dis blog from dis day on.  I is a man who like dem ole calypsonians who stil arrung and dropping rell wicked tunes still.  Last year Crazy drop Cold Sweat and I did kno it was going to be a hit from day 1.  This year he drop 4 tunes and ah like all 4 ah dem.   D controversial 1 of course is d “Phone Card” aka “Fuh Card” aka “Forkk Her Hard aka “Forkk Hard”.   If u r living under a big stone and doh kno bout dis tune, ah suggest yuh doh ever claim to be a West Indian again in yuh life.  As the countdown to C2K8 draws nearer we plan to highlight a few of the more jokey tunes and also give the Wining Kriminals Top 20 Rubdown for 2K8, which are the can’t miss hits dat will mashup all fetes and d road for Carnival or Loud4Spite will give yuh a refund.  In d meantime for those who living under dat big stone ah was talking bout earlier, u can listen to all new 2K8 tunes on www.trinijunglejuice.com or www.torontolime.com.  And remember fellas, when allyuh go Trinidad for Carnival………..she only wah yuh fuh card, KFC 5 piece special outta style. 





What a Man Really NEEDS in a Goodie Bag

12 12 2007

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So for your $300, $400 or whatever you spend to play mas, your respective bands will usually provide you with the infamous goodie bad. For some godforsaken reason masqueraders (usually women) anticipate the complimentary items they receive. As for the fellas, we get the usual shit. A male goodie bag will normally find all or some combination of the following:

  • Condoms with instructions
  • a whistle,
  • SPF 30 Sunscreen
  • Breath mints/strips,
  • Deodorant,
  • Digicel or B-mobile Cup
  • a Rag
  • The bag your goddies come in.
  • OK…these items are fine and they will come in handy but the Wining Kriminals want a goodie bag that fellas can get excited about the same way women get excited about theirs. Here are 5 items every man will appreciate having in their goodie bag.

    Rum Bota

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    You knew this was coming. No need to go into details but if you need a refresher, just refer to the “End Alcohol Abuse” article from a few weeks ago.

     Mountain Climbing Harness and Rope

     harness.gif

    I see the confused looks on all your faces but let me explain this one.  There can be multiple uses for this during the carnival season.  First..you can strap yourself to the liquor truck if you are tired of chasing the thing down, want to get off your feet for a moment and just drink several cups of rum…Or, you find your way on the back of one of the music trucks, wukkin up on some woman but yuh have to worry about holdin on tight before you fall off.  backtruck.jpgJust strap yuhself on with this and you good.  You didn’t take our advice and yuh went soca monarch…..now you have to get up high off the ground because one of the hourly riots is taking place in your vicinity.  You can use this to scale a fence and get high up but still observe the entertainment on stage without worrying about yuh arms getting tired.  Sit back elevated above the crowd until the ruckus moves someplace else.

    A Breathalizer!  

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    Ok, I know what you are thinking…WTF would a man need a breathalizer for. He plan on drinking and driving? Well, we hope no one plans on driving after alcohol comsumption, but that being said, this is the best way to know if you are getting your money’s worth at the all inclusives without over doing it. A 40% BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is considered the lethal amount for 50% of adults. What better way to consume as much as possible without killing yourself? with a Breathalizer. You can drink right up to 39% and still wake up the next morning. You won’t know where you wake up, how you got there or why your naked, but hey…you woke up! that’s the important thing.

     Rambo Watch

    rambo_watch.jpg

    By now you are thinking…this Midnight Robber fella is out of his damn mind.  Well, you might be right!, but that does not discount the fact that some of these things can be put to good use.  The only drawback with this “watch” is that you need a blasted unmanned predator spy plane or satellite TV connection to put it to good use.  So lets say you are trying out one of the many new bands this year.  You expect bacchanal, you want bacchanal, but yuh find out the band rhell stoosh and this is not how you want to spend yuh day.  This revolutionary device, although bulky can let you see what is going on in other bands as long as your spyplane is overhead or one of the local channels is filming a next band.  Tings lookin slow wit DKrewe or WE Intl? just tune in and if yuh see madness in IP and Legacy? duck under the ropes and head up de road.  Yuh pick a band like Oracle with 90% senior masqueraders?? Tune in and see all dem young ting in Tribe an Evolution?…duck under the ropes and head down de road.  Yes, this TV-Watch is the thing of the future. Maybe it can link up with that Blimp to provide all the coverage you need.

    GPS Tracking Device.

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    I found this little handy device online and thought this will could be put to good use carnival Monday or Tuesday.  For example, yuh in a band with 10,000 other masqueraders. You see a woman yuh really like…actually, you see many but for all intensive purposes, there is one that rises above the rest and this opinion of her is not alcohol induced. But you know the rules, no woman want to be stalked and have one fella attached to her backside the entire day. She want to wukkup with other men, her friends..and you want to do the same but before the day over, you must see her again. What better way than to tag her with this handy little device and you can find her anytime once its synced with your own cellphone. While yuh getting yuh first wine, just slip this on her someplace..stick it in her goodiebag, backpack etc. just make sure you clip it on securely and discreetly so that her hating girlfriend or the next fella that is also stalking her don’t catch it and throw it away or worse yet..stick it on a 320 lb mampee that just flattened some 150lb guy.  If its a mampee you actually want, there are tracking devices for the larger women too.  

    It looks like this

        agtrax-large-2.jpg     

      and fits like this  

             cow1.jpg

    You might have to get a tranquilizer gun  or you can distract her with 2 doubles, full plate of pelau and a goat roti, to give you the 5 minutes you need to strap it on.

    Alright, I know…this is wishful thinking b/c some of these items cost more than an IP frontline costume, but remember we are men!!! We like gadgets and things we can use for bad intentions.  

    Well, since its unlikely we can get any of the 5 items above, we will take travel items, nice cologne, mustache trimmers/liners, sunglasses, money clips, Sim Cards, pocket/utility knives, bottle openers and other types of wutless junk we probably have already.

    Disclaimer:

    No Mampees were harmed during the making of this article.





    Tanks for D Support…….We Mean Dat

    10 12 2007

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    [odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17437043/view]

    Canboulay Had Visions…

    Loud4Spite Bringing D Visions To Life

    MidNight Robber Experienced D Visions

    Sweet Ting Explaining D Visions

    Wining Kriminals Thanks Our Dedicated Readers & To Those Who Have Linked Us To Their Sites/Blogs/Forums..We Appreciate D Support & Feedback..So Keep Allyuh Comments Coming!

     We Have A Mission..& We Using D Net To Spread Our Word..So Who Vex Loss..Talk Dun

    The Man’s Man Guide To Carnival: Fellas Liming Hard and Playing Mas

    Like Every Other Successful Venture Out There, We Had Our NaySayers & Detractors From D Beginning..

    But Say Wha And Look Where We Is Now..5,000 Hits and Counting..

    We Have More Surprises In Store Than What You’d Find In Jacko’s Bedroom Coming In the Future For Our Loyal Readers..Tell Yuh Friends Bout Our Blog..Word By Mouth Is Always Appreciated..

    As We Hit Up Tnt, Caribana, Cropover, Miami..D Parkway Next Year..(God Spare Life )More Commess Guaranteed To Shit Yuh Screen..Err Ah Mean Hit..You Decide LoL

    Yuh Never Know..Yuh Might See Some Dapper Fellas Walking Thru D Crowd Wear D Infamous Wining Kriminals Logo Emblazoned Tees….Ladies Feel Free To Introduce YuhSelf..We Doh Bite

    With A Little Under 2 Months To Go..

    Carnival Season Is In Full Gear..

    Costumes Bought..

    Airline Tickets In Hand..

    People Searching Fuh Fetes, Inclusives Tickets

    Everyone Securing Their Transportation, Meals & Place To Stay

    Soca 2K8 Songs Hitting D RadioWaves..

    If You Go Thru Some Ah These Articles Of Wisdom, All Of These Aspects Of Carnival Are Explained Thoroughly..So If Yuh Ha To Print Some Of These Articles Out..No Scene..Juss Memba Whey Yuh Get Yuh Answers From..

    Yuh Could Say We Is Allyuh Carnival MapQuest..

    But In D Mean While..Enjoy Allyuh Parang & Peanut Punch..Cause Allyuh Know What Happening..Xmas Is Coming!…

    Anyhow Ah Gone..

    This Is LoudFuhSpite Signing Off..

    P.S.: Yeah Ah Know Ah Quiet..& That Contradicts Meh Name..But Like Some Allyuh..I Here Too Behind D Scenes Trying To Figure Out If I Can Make It For 2K8..Massa Wuk Neva Done 😦

     P.S.S. The Child Is From Trinidad Carnival, Year UnKnown, But I Chose That Specific Pic For A Reason…..Her Beauty & Smile..Her Spirit..Something We Can All Appreciate..

     Is We Who Does Keep This Ting Alive..

    And It Is Our Duty To Bring It To The Next Generation To Survive..





    Scalpers/Scalpahs aka Pipers w/Class………Friend or Foe

    7 12 2007

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    [odeo=http://studio.odeo.com/audio/17421703/view]

    A Scalper or as we call dem in Trini a Scalpah, for the purpose of this post is someone who “buys” fete tickets at face value and resells them at a profit.  Loud4Spite like to call dem Pipers wit Class.  Based on my experience I have determined that there are 3 species of  Scalpahs during Carnival season.   There is the traditional Street Scalpah, Travel Agency Scalpah and Family/Friend Scalpah.  Ah guess by now allyuh see wey ah going wit dis ting right?  I understand dat everybody have to eat ah food, but when people trying to dig out yuh eye, someting have to be said.  It bad enuff that there are only a handfull of fetes where you actually get wat yuh pay for………..why yuh have to be victimized by everybody and dey mother too.  Anyhow lewwe get this show on d road.

    D Traditional Street Scalpah in my opinion is a bit more complex than meets d eye.  For the foreigners who family does pick up dey fete tickets before dey land I eh kno if yuh people ever explain d pressure dey does endure to get dem tickets (unless yuh have a hook-up of course).  Dey does have to listen to d radio or check d papers to see when and where dese ticket would be available.   Then there are times dey have to wait o a long line for these tickets and then dey are only allotted a certain number of tickets.  The ticket allottment ah figure is to deter scalping.  So lets ask ourselves dis question……..How dem street Scalpahs does get dey hand on all dem tickets year after year?  Well I have a conspiracy theory.  My warped mind is telling me that these Scalpahs are somehow affiliated with these fete promoters.   Or they does pay people money to buy tickets………well dats also possible.   What alluh tink?  But in any case these Scalpahs are a very valuable asset.  If yuh did not buy a ticket for a fete and yuh juss gaping outside d fete, by asking bout 5-8 Scalpahs dey price will give yuh a good gauge as to if its worth going into dat fete.   As far as purchasing counterfeit tickets, if yuh been feting for a while yuh will start to recognize d professional Scalpahs face because yuh will see dem at every fete.  Dese fellas are usefull if d price is right.

    Now d Travel Agency Scalpahs are those agencies that sell package “deals” or single tickets online.  I does look at some of these prices compared to the actual tickets prices and does wonder who in dey right mind buying dese tickets.  D sad ting bout this is that after dey collect dey money and was all professional wit yuh, when yuh land and having issues dey hard to find like yuh deposit money.  I eh saying all ah dem bad, but I have heard horror stories from customers.  So juss be cognizant of dese characters and wit doing any other purchase, make sure and do extensive research before sending dat deposit.  Online message boards are a valuable asset for information on dese businesses.

    Ah save d best for last.  Family/Friend Scalpahs are of course d most disappointment of d three.  Like ah said initially ah understand dat everybody have to eat ah food, but oh gosh yuh own family/friends.  From way back when everybody tink because yuh come from foreign dat means dollars running.  After all in foreign everyting cheap and d streets are paved with gold.  Ah had an interesting experience last year.  Usually meh best friend does beat d pavement and organize we tickets.  But me playing fass and deviating from d norm decide to take up somebody on ah offer.  Now ah fren of a fren family claim she have a “hook-up” to get tickets conveniently.  So since convenience was d key ting I forget to ask price because I ASS-ume all ah we is practically 1 famalee since d connection was almost famalee.  Well to my disgust, the kinna price dat girl was trying to charge for dem tickets is ike she was planning on we paying for she carnival costume.  Needless to say ah tell she keep she tickets……..ah had some other words for she but not going to repeat dem.  

    So based on my experience, it only have 2 people I using to get my tickets.   My best friend who eh go rob meh and meh fellow blogger who eh go try to chook out meh eyes wit price.  I recommend meh blogger friend  because she offers reasonable prices and she has the 1 ingredient dat everybody complains about worldwide…….Customer Service.  She is very professional and does right by her customers.  And if she eh do right by anybody and ah find out ah go bad talk she right on here same way.  Her site is http://www.trinidadfetetickets.blogspot.com/.   For you rookies out there make sure and line up the hard to get tickets early……………………..or be at d mercy of the Scalpahs.