What a Man Really NEEDS in a Goodie Bag

12 12 2007


So for your $300, $400 or whatever you spend to play mas, your respective bands will usually provide you with the infamous goodie bad. For some godforsaken reason masqueraders (usually women) anticipate the complimentary items they receive. As for the fellas, we get the usual shit. A male goodie bag will normally find all or some combination of the following:

  • Condoms with instructions
  • a whistle,
  • SPF 30 Sunscreen
  • Breath mints/strips,
  • Deodorant,
  • Digicel or B-mobile Cup
  • a Rag
  • The bag your goddies come in.
  • OK…these items are fine and they will come in handy but the Wining Kriminals want a goodie bag that fellas can get excited about the same way women get excited about theirs. Here are 5 items every man will appreciate having in their goodie bag.

    Rum Bota


    You knew this was coming. No need to go into details but if you need a refresher, just refer to the “End Alcohol Abuse” article from a few weeks ago.

     Mountain Climbing Harness and Rope


    I see the confused looks on all your faces but let me explain this one.  There can be multiple uses for this during the carnival season.  First..you can strap yourself to the liquor truck if you are tired of chasing the thing down, want to get off your feet for a moment and just drink several cups of rum…Or, you find your way on the back of one of the music trucks, wukkin up on some woman but yuh have to worry about holdin on tight before you fall off.  backtruck.jpgJust strap yuhself on with this and you good.  You didn’t take our advice and yuh went soca monarch…..now you have to get up high off the ground because one of the hourly riots is taking place in your vicinity.  You can use this to scale a fence and get high up but still observe the entertainment on stage without worrying about yuh arms getting tired.  Sit back elevated above the crowd until the ruckus moves someplace else.

    A Breathalizer!  


    Ok, I know what you are thinking…WTF would a man need a breathalizer for. He plan on drinking and driving? Well, we hope no one plans on driving after alcohol comsumption, but that being said, this is the best way to know if you are getting your money’s worth at the all inclusives without over doing it. A 40% BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is considered the lethal amount for 50% of adults. What better way to consume as much as possible without killing yourself? with a Breathalizer. You can drink right up to 39% and still wake up the next morning. You won’t know where you wake up, how you got there or why your naked, but hey…you woke up! that’s the important thing.

     Rambo Watch


    By now you are thinking…this Midnight Robber fella is out of his damn mind.  Well, you might be right!, but that does not discount the fact that some of these things can be put to good use.  The only drawback with this “watch” is that you need a blasted unmanned predator spy plane or satellite TV connection to put it to good use.  So lets say you are trying out one of the many new bands this year.  You expect bacchanal, you want bacchanal, but yuh find out the band rhell stoosh and this is not how you want to spend yuh day.  This revolutionary device, although bulky can let you see what is going on in other bands as long as your spyplane is overhead or one of the local channels is filming a next band.  Tings lookin slow wit DKrewe or WE Intl? just tune in and if yuh see madness in IP and Legacy? duck under the ropes and head up de road.  Yuh pick a band like Oracle with 90% senior masqueraders?? Tune in and see all dem young ting in Tribe an Evolution?…duck under the ropes and head down de road.  Yes, this TV-Watch is the thing of the future. Maybe it can link up with that Blimp to provide all the coverage you need.

    GPS Tracking Device.


    I found this little handy device online and thought this will could be put to good use carnival Monday or Tuesday.  For example, yuh in a band with 10,000 other masqueraders. You see a woman yuh really like…actually, you see many but for all intensive purposes, there is one that rises above the rest and this opinion of her is not alcohol induced. But you know the rules, no woman want to be stalked and have one fella attached to her backside the entire day. She want to wukkup with other men, her friends..and you want to do the same but before the day over, you must see her again. What better way than to tag her with this handy little device and you can find her anytime once its synced with your own cellphone. While yuh getting yuh first wine, just slip this on her someplace..stick it in her goodiebag, backpack etc. just make sure you clip it on securely and discreetly so that her hating girlfriend or the next fella that is also stalking her don’t catch it and throw it away or worse yet..stick it on a 320 lb mampee that just flattened some 150lb guy.  If its a mampee you actually want, there are tracking devices for the larger women too.  

    It looks like this


      and fits like this  


    You might have to get a tranquilizer gun  or you can distract her with 2 doubles, full plate of pelau and a goat roti, to give you the 5 minutes you need to strap it on.

    Alright, I know…this is wishful thinking b/c some of these items cost more than an IP frontline costume, but remember we are men!!! We like gadgets and things we can use for bad intentions.  

    Well, since its unlikely we can get any of the 5 items above, we will take travel items, nice cologne, mustache trimmers/liners, sunglasses, money clips, Sim Cards, pocket/utility knives, bottle openers and other types of wutless junk we probably have already.


    No Mampees were harmed during the making of this article.




    7 responses

    12 12 2007

    LMAO, then LMAO some more… I have been impatiently awaiting this one. You delivered! What a fabulous job! You deserve to get a breathalizer! Although based on dis article, maybe you already own one?!

    13 12 2007

    Ah ent able wit allyuh nuh! LOL LOL

    Well the rum bota is better than a sippy cup from Chuck E Cheese.

    13 12 2007

    Mountain Climbing Harness and Rope — Lawd, fadda, ah dead wid dis one! The description of this contraption is priceless. LMAO over and over! Aye, man, you ah realllll bullshitter, no joke! Dis one take de cake fuh me today. LMAO

    13 12 2007

    I see goat roti but some how it took me a while to stop sayin “goatie roti”…lol

    14 12 2007

    All yuh just way to funny yes…..lmfao!

    14 12 2007

    Alyuh, dey nearly fire me from de people and dem wuk, I sitting down here laughing so scandalously. This one takes the cake. I think my boyfriend definitely with you on the mountain climbing harness… LOL

    14 12 2007

    ROFLMAO…..lawd allyuh is too much….keep it coming LOL

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